Pretexting is not legal. Idiots.
September 9, 2006 at 10:42 pm | In domestic politics, ethics, law | 1 CommentWhen a company commits fraud somehow it’s better than the average con-artist. Fancy names are thrown around and the laws are left in the dust.
This “Pretexting” case in the news right now shows quite clearly that our biggest problem isn’t the criminals; it’s the people who are supposed to be enforcing their authority for a good law.
/s/ Andrew
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Wikipedia: Pretexting is the act of pretending to be someone who you are not by telling an untruth, or creating deception. The practice of pretexting typically involves tricking a telecom carrier into disclosing personal information of a customer, with the scammer pretending to be the customer. At present, the majority of wireless telephony providers consider the practice of pretexting as illegal.
The Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act (GLB) signed into U.S. law in 1999 specifically addresses pretexting as an illegal act punishable under federal statutes.
When a business entity, such as a private investigator, SIU insurance investigators and an adjuster conducts any type of “deception,” it falls under the authority of the Federal Trade Commission (FTC). This federal agency has the obligation and authority to ensure that consumers are not subject to any unfair or deceptive business practices.
US Federal Trade Commission Act, Section 5 of the FTCA states, in part:
“Whenever the Commission shall have reason to believe that any such person, partnership, or corporation has been or is using any unfair method of competition or unfair or deceptive act or practice in or affecting commerce, and if it shall appear to the Commission that a proceeding by it in respect thereof would be to the interest of the public, it shall issue and serve upon such person, partnership, or corporation a complaint stating its charges in that respect…”
Pasted from <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretexting>
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‘Pretexting’ scandal at high-tech firm extends outside board room
Sept. 7, 2006
Bob Sullivan
Technology correspondent
In an effort to track down the source of information leaks by Hewlett-Packard Co. insiders, private investigators working for the company obtained reporters’ telephone records without permission, the company told MSNBC.com on Thursday.
The reporters’ records were accessed as part of a private investigation into news leaks that was initiated by company Chairwoman Patricia Dunn.
The investigators got the records by impersonating journalists from the Wall Street Journal, CNET.com and other news organizations in a practice known as “pretexting,” the company said.
HP spokesman Michael Moeller said that “there are other journalists” whose records were improperly accessed, but would not say how many others were involved.
“HP is absolutely dismayed that the records of journalists were accessed without their knowledge,” he said. “We are completely and fully cooperating with the state attorney general’s investigation into HP and this incident.”
Earlier Thursday, CNET.com and the Wall Street Journal published stories indicating their reporters had been contacted by the California Attorney General’s Office and told their telephone records had been accessed by unauthorized individuals connected to the company.
“CNET Networks takes this situation most seriously,” spokeswoman Sarah Cain said. “These actions not only violated the privacy rights of our employee, but also the rights of all reporters to protect their confidential sources.”
Robert Christie, spokesman for Dow Jones, which owns the Wall Street Journal, said the newspaper would not comment on its story.
A spokesman for the California Attorney General’s Office, Tom Dresslar, said he couldn’t comment on ongoing investigations. Dresslar also declined to comment on Moeller’s assertion that other reporters may have been targeted.
In its story, CNET said it was told by an investigator at the attorney general’s office that HP had provided a “partial list of reporters names whose phone records may have been compromised.” Cain said she didn’t know how many reporters were on that list.
News of boardroom intrigue at HP broke earlier this week in Newsweek with a story that detailed a messy spying episode inside the company. Newsweek reported that Dunn had ordered an investigation of other members of the company’s Board of Directors in an effort to find out who was giving information anonymously to reporters.
The Newsweek story indicated that the investigation was initiated by Dunn, who was irked by a story published in January by CNET reporter Dawn Kawamoto that provided details of a board-members-only meeting.
The investigation was thorough. Kawamoto’s home telephone records were obtained, even though her phone is in her husband’s name, CNET reported.
But the pattern of obtaining reporters’ records may stretch further back. The Wall Street Journal reported on Thursday that reporter Pui-Wing Tam had been contacted by the California Attorney General’s Office with information suggesting she may have been the target of pretexting.
Tam, the newspaper indicated, broke an important story about former CEO Carly Fiorina and her disagreements with board members. Fiorina resigned from HP in early 2005.
Moeller refused to say what period of time the pretexting activity covered.
“We’re not giving out any more information at this time,” he said.
In a filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission on Wednesday, HP acknowledged that its agents used pretexting to obtain board members’ personal telephone records. Pretexting involves hacking into a consumers’ telephone records by impersonating the consumer, and tricking customer service representatives or Web sites into divulging the personal information.
Thursday’s developments indicate that the pretexting extended outside the board room. Journalists’ telephone records would readily indicate which board members were communicating with reporters.
After a blogger purchased Gen. Wesley Clark’s phone records last year from a pretexter, a media firestorm ensued, and Congressional hearings were held examining the practice.
Pretexting runs afoul of federal law — specifically, the Federal Trade Commission Act, which bans deceptive trade practices.
Late Thursday, California Attorney General Bill Lockyer told the Associated Press that the HP investigation violated two California state laws: California’s identity theft statutes, which make it illegal to use someone else’s personal information to commit a crime, and the state’s computer crime laws, which make unauthorized access to databases illegal.
“The question was, was a crime committed? The answer is yes. Does that mean charges will result? Well, we haven’t completed the investigation so we’re not yet certain as to who committed the crime,” Lockyer said. ““It’s likely if evidence continues to come in the way it has that there will be a prosecution,” he said. “But we’re not ready to go file a complaint. We’re still investigating.”
© 2006 MSNBC Interactive
Pasted from <http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14721854/>
Deep ice tells long climate story
September 6, 2006 at 6:29 am | In earth science, ecology, global warming | 1 CommentThis story is comfirming (yes, again) the deep shit we’re in. But it is now 800,000 years of proof instead of 600k.
Also, this article makes it quite clear– to those of us who aren’t scientists who fall alseep with too much jargon– HOW we know.
/s/ Andrew
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…
By Jonathan Amos
Science reporter, BBC News, Norwich
2006/09/04
Carbon dioxide levels are substantially higher now than at any time in the last 800,000 years, the latest study of ice drilled out of Antarctica confirms.
The in-depth analysis of air bubbles trapped in a 3.2km-long core of frozen snow shows current greenhouse gas concentrations are unprecedented.
The East Antarctic core is the longest, deepest ice column yet extracted.
Project scientists say its contents indicate humans could be bringing about dangerous climate changes.
“My point would be that there’s nothing in the ice core that gives us any cause for comfort,” said Dr Eric Wolff from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS).
“There’s nothing that suggests that the Earth will take care of the increase in carbon dioxide. The ice core suggests that the increase in carbon dioxide will definitely give us a climate change that will be dangerous,” he told BBC News.
The Antarctic researcher was speaking here at the British Association’s (BA) Science Festival.
Slice of history
The ice core comes from a region of the White Continent known as Dome Concordia (Dome C). It has been drilled out by the European Project for Ice Coring in Antarctica (Epica), a 10-country consortium.
The column’s value to science is the tiny pockets of ancient air that were locked into its millennia of accumulating snowflakes.
Each slice of this now compacted snow records a moment in Earth history, giving researchers a direct measure of past environmental conditions.
Not only can scientists see past concentrations of carbon dioxide and methane – the two principal human-produced gases now blamed for global warming – in the slices, they can also gauge past temperatures from the samples.
This is done by analysing the presence of different types, or isotopes, of hydrogen atom that are found preferentially in precipitating water (snow) when temperatures are relatively warm.
‘Scary’ rate
Earlier results from the Epica core were published in 2004 and 2005, detailing the events back to 440,000 years and 650,000 years respectively. Scientists have now gone the full way through the column, back another 150,000 years.
The picture is the same: carbon dioxide and temperature rise and fall in step.
“Ice cores reveal the Earth’s natural climate rhythm over the last 800,000 years. When carbon dioxide changed there was always an accompanying climate change. Over the last 200 years human activity has increased carbon dioxide to well outside the natural range,” explained Dr Wolff.
The “scary thing”, he added, was the rate of change now occurring in CO2 concentrations. In the core, the fastest increase seen was of the order of 30 parts per million (ppm) by volume over a period of roughly 1,000 years.
“The last 30 ppm of increase has occurred in just 17 years. We really are in the situation where we don’t have an analogue in our records,” he said.
Natural buffer
The plan now is to try to extend the ice-core record even further back in time. Scientists think another location, near to a place known as Dome A (Dome Argus), could allow them to sample atmospheric gases up to a million and a half years ago.
Some of the increases in carbon dioxide will be alleviated by natural “sinks” on the land and in the oceans, such as the countless planktonic organisms that effectively pull carbon out of the atmosphere as they build skeletons and shell coverings.
But Dr Corinne Le Quéré, of the University of East Anglia and BAS, warned the festival that these sinks may become less efficient over time.
We could not rely on them to keep on buffering our emissions, she said.
“For example, we don’t know what the effect will be of ocean acidification on marine ecosystems. There is potential for deterioration,” she explained.
More CO2 absorbed by the oceans will raise their acidity, and a number of recent studies have concluded that this will eventually disrupt the ability of marine micro-organisms to use the calcium carbonate in the water to produce their hard parts.
Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/pr/fr/-/1/hi/sci/tech/5314592.stm
Published: 2006/09/04 22:27:27 GMT
© BBC MMVI
“Mr. Whitehead, it’s now a war between us and you’ve fired the first shot. I will be coming after you.” Eliot Spitzer, N.Y. Districxt Attorney to John Whitehead, former Chairmen, Goldman Sachs
December 22, 2005 at 1:10 pm | In domestic politics, ethics, law | 1 Commentfascism?
Scary
Last April, The Wall Street Journal published an op-ed piece by me titled “Mr. Spitzer Has Gone Too Far.” In it I expressed my belief that in America, everyone — including Hank Greenberg — is innocent until proven guilty. “Something has gone seriously awry,” I wrote, “when a state attorney general can go on television and charge one of America’s best CEOs and most generous philanthropists with fraud before any charges have been brought, before the possible defendant has even had a chance to know what he personally is alleged to have done, and while the investigation is still under way.”
Since there have been rumors in the media as to what happened next, I feel I must now set the record straight. After reading my op-ed piece, Mr. Spitzer tried to phone me. I was traveling in Texas but he reached me early in the afternoon. After asking me one or two questions about where I got my facts, he came right to the point. I was so shocked that I wrote it all down right away so I would be sure to remember it exactly as he said it. This is what he said:
“Mr. Whitehead, it’s now a war between us and you’ve fired the first shot. I will be coming after you. You will pay the price. This is only the beginning and you will pay dearly for what you have done. You will wish you had never written that letter.”
I tried to interrupt to say he was doing to me exactly what he’d been doing to others, but he wouldn’t be interrupted. He went on in the same vein for several more sentences and then abruptly hung up. I was astounded. No one had ever talked to me like that before. It was a little scary.
It’s up to others to make their own conclusions. I have only set out here what happened.
Mr. Whitehead, former chairman of Goldman Sachs, is chairman of the Lower Manhattan Development Corp.
the ultimate gift for the man who has everything
December 15, 2005 at 6:25 pm | In technology: sex | 8 CommentsVirgin Territory:
U.S. Women Seek
A Second First Time
WALL STREET JOURNAL
For her 17th wedding anniversary, Jeanette Yarborough wanted to do something special for her husband. In addition to planning a hotel getaway for the weekend, Ms. Yarborough paid a surgeon $5,000 to reattach her hymen, making her appear to be a virgin again.
“It’s the ultimate gift for the man who has everything,” says Ms. Yarborough, 40 years old, a medical assistant from San Antonio.
Does the U.S. need new nuclear weapons?
December 15, 2005 at 1:22 am | In domestic politics, global politics | 13 CommentsWith More Reliable Type;
Critics Dispute the Need
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
LOS ALAMOS, N.M. — On this remote mesa where the atom bomb was born, a fresh question is in the air: Does the U.S. need new nuclear weapons?
Some 15 years after the Cold War, and at a time when the U.S. is demanding others restrain their nuclear ambitions, the Bush administration thinks the answer is yes. With little notice, it has been pressing Congress to fund research into a new generation of nuclear weapons.
Lawmakers have twice turned down proposals to design a new nuclear “bunker-buster” bomb, to blow up buried caches of weapons. But last month, with little debate, Congress approved $25 million for research into what is supposed to be a sturdier, more reliable warhead than those designed during the Cold War. If the work is successful, the U.S. could someday spend billions of dollars replacing much of the current arsenal.
The U.S. hasn’t designed or built a new nuclear warhead since the late 1980s. It hasn’t tested one since 1992. U.S. officials say the aging arsenal is becoming increasingly difficult and costly to maintain, and was designed to deter a foe far different from those the U.S. now faces. “You would not create the current stockpile if you were starting now,” says Linton Brooks, head of the Energy Department’s National Nuclear Security Administration, which maintains the arsenal.
President Bush has committed to deep cuts in the U.S. nuclear arsenal. The overall stockpile numbers are classified. But by 2012 the cuts would leave the U.S. with about 2,200 nuclear warheads deployed on long-range launchers, along with some 700 short-range weapons. In addition, the Pentagon is expected to keep some 3,000 backup warheads, as a hedge against technical failures or a resurgent Russia. Mr. Brooks says with a more dependable warhead, along with a revival of the weapons-production complex, the U.S. should be able to make “significant” cuts in the hedge.
Critics say any international perception that the U.S. is strengthening its nuclear capability with new warheads could severely undercut its credibility at a time when it is pressing North Korea and Iran to curb nuclear appetites. “You cannot tell people that nuclear weapons are bad for you but we are modernizing ours,” says Mohamed ElBaradei, head of the International Atomic Energy Agency.
Some also question the technical rationale. Currently, the U.S. spends billions of dollars each year to monitor its stockpile and extend the weapons’ life. Critics say some minor changes in this maintenance effort could buy even more time.
Some also say any plan to build new warheads without testing them — which is the administration’s declared goal — could leave more doubt, not less, about the arsenal’s reliability. “We’ll have to see how much of a change they’re proposing, but it’s hard to understand how a redesigned warhead that’s never been tested would give you higher confidence than warheads which have been tested more than a thousand times,” says Sidney Drell, a Stanford University physicist and member of the Jasons, a scientific group that advises the government on weapons issues.
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Scientists at Los Alamos are engaged in their own vigorous debate. Joe Martz, a chemical engineer, heads a small team working on a preliminary design for a more-reliable warhead. He says new technology should permit crafting one that is easier to build, cheaper to maintain and safer to store, and that wouldn’t need testing. At the same time, he fiercely opposes the Pentagon’s proposed nuclear bunker-buster, saying any change that might make it more tempting to use nuclear arms would be “destabilizing.”
When the Defense Department chose this spot in late 1942 as the site for its secret atom-bomb program, there was little here but farms and the Los Alamos Ranch School, built to toughen up sickly East Coast boys. The military put up a barbed-wire fence around the newly created town, then an interior fence around the lab itself, to keep the work secret even from scientists’ families.
Reminders of that history are never far away. Los Alamos, now a town of 18,000, has an Oppenheimer Drive (after J. Robert Oppenheimer, head of the Manhattan Project), a Trinity Drive (after the desert site of the first test) and two atomic-bomb museums.
Inside the lab’s security fences today, scientists are focused on more recent history and what they fear is a steady erosion of skills. “The really scary thing is that there are only two designers [of warheads' plutonium triggers] left at the laboratory who have underground-test experience,” says James Peery, one of the weapons program’s directors.
The U.S. got out of the business of making nuclear weapons almost by inadvertence. By the late 1980s, the Cold War was winding down and the once-sacrosanct weapons complex began to face public scrutiny. Under pressure from Congress and environmental groups, the Energy Department admitted in 1988 to causing radioactive and toxic pollution at installations in a dozen states.
The next year, federal agents, looking into allegations of illegal dumping and falsified records, raided and closed Colorado’s Rocky Flats plant, which produced all of the arsenal’s plutonium triggers. Then the first President Bush, amid his unsuccessful 1992 re-election campaign, reluctantly agreed to a congressionally mandated moratorium on testing.
A reprieve of sorts came in the mid-1990s. The Clinton administration, committed to a test-ban treaty that the Senate never did ratify, agreed to spend billions at the labs for technology to ensure the nuclear stockpile’s continued reliability without test explosions.
Even after more than 1,000 test blasts, scientists had a limited understanding of what happens inside a nuclear warhead in the few billionths of a second as it explodes. They had still less experience with the effects of aging on warheads that once were replaced every 15 or 20 years. Today, in a program known as stockpile stewardship, the U.S. uses elaborate machines to try to determine how well its aging nuclear arms would work if the U.S. ever needed to detonate one.
A 220-foot-long electron accelerator, housed inside a thick concrete blockhouse here, produces some of the world’s most powerful X-rays to photograph the inside of a mock nuclear warhead as it’s subjected to the searing heat and pressure of a conventional explosion. Supercomputers then extrapolate the resulting data to gauge how the components would hold up under the far greater extremes generated by a nuclear chain reaction.
On a recent morning, scientists provided a taste of what their mix of real and virtual testing can do. They used computers to simulate the stress on foam used to hold a nuclear warhead together for the few microseconds needed to ensure that its series of explosions goes off.
Inside a small room called the Cave, engineers projected a greatly magnified three-dimensional model of the foam’s cellular structure as it was compressed by a virtual nuclear explosion. Projected on the floor, ceiling and three walls, the yellow foam’s branches, looking like undersea coral, sprouted dots of red as the foam began to break down under the pressure. The engineers then replayed this slowed-down virtual explosion, rotating the foam and the blast direction to get a view from all sides. The process enables them to see whether the foam holds up without setting off a warhead to find out.
The stewardship program has given the labs enough confidence that it plans to begin replacing certain aging components of a 30-year-old warhead called the W-76, the most numerous one in the arsenal. The plan is to extend its life another 30 years.
Still, the Bush administration came to office questioning how long this arsenal could be maintained without new testing, and determined to revive the weapons production complex and begin developing new warheads. A 2001 review identified a new set of potential adversaries, including Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Syria and China. It called for a broader array of nuclear capabilities, including weapons that could go after hardened, deeply buried targets, and less-powerful warheads to reduce “collateral damage.”
Officials saw the huge warheads that deterred the Soviets as much less credible against today’s far weaker adversaries. Leaders of nations such as North Korea or Iran, they argued, would be unlikely to believe a U.S. president would order even a retaliatory strike with arms that might kill hundreds of thousands.
Hobson’s Choice
Early proposals from the administration to study new nuclear weapons met little congressional resistance. But in 2004 it ran into an unexpected foe: an Ohio Republican congressman named David Hobson, head of the House subcommittee that funds nuclear-weapons programs. He was critical of what he saw as poor security and management problems at the labs. But more than anything, he opposed a new nuclear bunker-buster.
“We can’t tell other countries don’t build any nuclear weapons, but we’re so superior that we’d like a new weapon of our own,” he says. Mr. Hobson has stared down both the administration and the nuclear labs’ top congressional patron, Senate Energy Committee Chairman Pete Domenici of New Mexico, blocking funding for design of a bunker-buster that would put a harder case around an existing warhead.
At the same time, Mr. Hobson has become the leading proponent of building a new, sturdier replacement warhead, an idea pitched to him by Los Alamos scientists. He says it makes technical sense and would also help head off pressure to build new designs such as the bunker-buster. The reliable warhead “only replaces what we have — there’s no new mission,” so it should be easier to explain internationally, he says. When the administration sought money last year to study weapons that would have new missions, he redirected the funds to what his staff dubbed the Reliable Replacement Warhead.
By spring of 2005, the administration’s Mr. Brooks also had become a champion of the replacement warhead. He spoke of designing a new stockpile that was more reliable, less expensive, more environmentally sound and ultimately smaller.
He also made clear, in congressional testimony, that the administration set its sights beyond that. The reliable-warhead program, he said, would help create a flexible nuclear infrastructure able “to provide new or different military capabilities” if needed. And he pressed for funding to begin planning for a new plutonium-trigger plant, replacing Rocky Flats. This year, when the administration asked for $9.4 million to study the reliable warhead, Congress, at Mr. Hobson’s urging, appropriated nearly three times that.
Exactly how new this warhead would be isn’t yet clear. Teams at Los Alamos and at California’s Lawrence Livermore Lab now are working on competitive designs. They’ve been told to design a warhead that has the explosive power of the W-76, but inside the larger body of a more powerful warhead, the W-88.
The end of the Cold War makes this possible, says Los Alamos’s Mr. Martz. When the U.S. was packing 10 warheads on a single missile to confront the Soviet Union, the labs were told to design the most powerful warheads they could with the least size and weight. So they took risks, such as using the smallest possible amount of plutonium that would ignite a full thermonuclear explosion.
Not having to make a warhead so light gives designers more options. For instance, instead of surrounding the plutonium “pit” with beryllium, which is light but toxic and creates cleanup issues, they can use a heavier metal such as titanium or even stainless steel. They also can put in more-effective trigger locks, to make it harder for a terrorist who stole a warhead to set it off.
Mr. Martz says the freedom to make a heavier warhead could also include a heftier plutonium pit, to ensure the full explosion ignites. As a result, he believes — though he won’t guarantee — that all these changes wouldn’t require testing. He says he also can’t guarantee there will never be a need to test older warheads to confirm their reliability.
Quiet Preparations
Outside Las Vegas, the government’s Nevada underground test site is quietly preparing for such possibilities. The test site has stayed alive by doing its own share of virtual testing. Almost 1,000 feet below the desert floor, inside a maze of well-lit tunnels, engineers do “subcritical” experiments: compressing aging plutonium samples nearly to the point of a chain reaction to see how they perform.
Since the Clinton administration, the site has been kept three years short of readiness to conduct new tests. The Bush administration won funding to shorten that to two years.
Early next year engineers will lower a new plutonium trigger, made experimentally at Los Alamos, into a 600-foot hole, drilled in the 1970s. They’ll then implode it, short of a nuclear explosion. The experiment will give crane operators their first practice in over a decade in lowering a test canister. Other technicians will get experience in feeding in diagnostic cables.
Such simulations lead some to wonder if this administration or a future one might use the reliable-warhead program as an excuse to resume testing or — something now forbidden by law — as an opening to build new military capabilities. “I don’t trust this group….We have to be on guard,” Rep. Hobson says.
Raffi Papazian, Los Alamos’s lead engineer at the site, says he and his colleagues are aware the actions might be misread. “We’ve worked with the State Department” to explain to embassies there’s no plan to violate the test moratorium, he says.
fascism?
December 11, 2005 at 6:26 pm | In domestic politics, law | 8 Commentsby: Kevin Drum, Washington Post:
At least, that’s what I’d think if it weren’t for this:
The Bush administration…claims that the ID requirement is necessary for security but has refused to identify any actual regulation requiring it.
A three-judge panel of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals seemed skeptical of the Bush administration’s defense of secret laws and regulations but stopped short of suggesting that such a rule would be necessarily unconstitutional.
“How do we know there’s an order?” Judge Thomas Nelson asked. “Because you said there was?”
….The Justice Department has said it could identify the secret law under seal, which would be available to the 9th Circuit but not necessarily Gilmore’s lawyers. But any public description would not be permitted, the department said.
WTF? Call me naive, but I’ve never heard of a secret law. I’ve heard of secret courts and secret evidence — which are bad enough already — but not secret laws. When did this happen?
And another thing. How could it possibly harm national security to identify the text of the law that requires passengers to show ID before boarding a plane? Maybe someone with a more vivid imagination than me can come up with something, but I can’t.
POSTSCRIPT: Seriously, is this true? I’m just gobsmacked. Congress is passing laws that the American public isn’t allowed to know about? Any of us might be prosecuted under one of these laws that we don’t know exists? Courts are being asked to interpret laws they’ve never seen?
This gives Kafakesque a very chilling and newly concrete meaning.
—Kevin Drum 9:38 PM Permalink | TrackBack (0) | Comments (119)
If a meteorite crashed down on the White House today, the conversation at the Pearly Gates might go something like this.
December 11, 2005 at 10:33 am | In domestic politics, humor | Leave a Commentthis is simply funny:
“Oh-h-h. Where am I? St. Peter?”
“Welcome, Mr. President. I just need to see if you belong here.”
“Well, St. Peter, you know I’m a born-again Christian. I pray every day. I’m very religious. I brought Bible study classes to the White House.”
“That’s terrific. And have you helped any lepers lately?”
“Not exactly. But my cuts in the top tax rates will create wealth that will trickle down and help lepers. I’m getting there indirectly, instead of barging through the eye of a needle.”
“Hmm.”
“And St. Peter, I’ve been upstanding in defending Christian values. We made sure that we call the tree at the White House a Christmas tree, not a holiday tree. And we sent out 1.4 million White House Christmas cards!”
“Wow! But I don’t suppose any Christmas cards went to lepers. Or to prostitutes or beggars.”
“I don’t send cards to Democrats.”
“Mr. President, our checklist doesn’t have anything about sending out Christmas cards, or putting up Christmas trees. It’s more about feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and housing the homeless.”
“Well, my administration spent $8,000 for a drapery that was used for years to cover up a breast of a female statue. That was clothing the naked.”
“That was so silly that Lady Godiva went on a ride to protest it. We always get irritated with religious blowhards who proclaim that faith is just a matter of covering up, saying grace, looking dour and denouncing others for being lax – the Taliban approach. This latest culture war over Christmas is a perfect example of religion based on denouncing others instead of loving them.”
“But St. Peter, they’re just trying to put Christ back into Christmas. They see how faith is threatened by people saying ‘Happy Holidays,’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’ Fox News has covered ‘Christmas Under Siege,’ and one of its anchors has a new book called ‘The War on Christmas.’ The American Family Association is boycotting Target, and the Catholic League threatened a boycott against Wal-Mart. This hasn’t been my issue, but these are my people, St. Peter. They’re doing this to glorify Christ.”
“Frankly, Mr. President, here in Heaven, I say ‘Merry Christmas,’ but others prefer ‘Happy Holidays.’ Gandhi prefers it. And a Jewish rabbi told me that his family felt more comfortable with that as well. …”
“But St. Peter, that’s one rabbi. …”
“Whose name is Jesus.”
“Oops.”
“Jesus says Christmas shouldn’t be about picking fights and organizing boycotts. All that legalistic nitpicking just reminds him of the Pharisees. Do you really think that if Jesus returns to Earth tomorrow, his priority is going to be organizing a boycott of Target stores? You think he’s going to appear on Fox to say, ‘Worry about genocide and hunger later – first, let’s battle with liberals over what holiday greeting to use’?”
“But St. Peter, I increased aid to Africa hugely. I launched a major program to fight AIDS.”
“Yes, your aid programs have been almost divine. And your administration helped lead the way in fighting sex trafficking. On the other hand, Jesus has a particular thing about genocide, and you and Congressional leaders just cut out $50 million that was supposed to go to stop the slaughter in Darfur.”
“Sorry, but it’s been so hectic this month with 26 Christmas parties at the White House. I’ve just been too busy to deal with genocide.”
“Which Gospel did you say you read each day? Up here, we canceled our Christmas party, and held a vigil for the victims of Darfur.”
“St. Peter, you don’t mean to say – how do I ask this? Jesus isn’t … isn’t a Democrat, is he?”
“No, no. He’s nonpartisan. His gripe isn’t with conservatives or liberals; it’s with blowhards. We’re always cheering the National Association of Evangelicals because it spends its time fighting genocide, battling sex trafficking, struggling for religious freedom. And there are so many others, like Senator Sam Brownback, who win respect from everybody because their humanitarian work shows they are trying to live the Gospels, not play charades. They’re the conservative Christians who make God look great.”
“I guess I was just too busy with Christmas to pay attention to any of this.”
“Up here, we just pray that Christmas could be more than cards, trees and greetings. Jesus is so upset that he’s talking of suing the blowhards to regain control of Christmas.”
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